it wasn’t always love.

[As I troll through my digital archives, piecing together memories of Scott for a brain that often fails to remember the more mundane details of life (it’s those details that I think not only help provide context to what actually does matter, but also trigger memories that might be otherwise buried unreachable in my subconscious), I find things that I think are worth remembering. I hope no one minds me sharing them.]

If you asked me nowadays, I would tell you that, despite the tragedy of a certain day, I wouldn’t trade my college years in New York for anything. If nothing else, they clarified my love of the city (a term which, by the way, can only refer to one place) and left me with many fond memories–of people, places, and things, and a siren-like call to return.

Continue reading “it wasn’t always love.”


The hardest thing he has ever done, Mike Rudzinski told me recently, was composing his remembrance of Scott.

I don’t doubt it.* I still am not able to put together anything quite as coherent or organized as the many writings some of Scott’s many friends have posted; and I don’t know if I ever will, really. The best I could muster to write on Scott’s Facebook wall was a simple two-word goodbye, meant simply to mark his passing and nothing more.

This post, too, is merely a placeholder, reserving a place for my remembrance of Scott that will, sometime, come. It is fitting–some might say a moral imperative–to commemorate Scott’s life by sharing with everyone what he has meant to us. I will do my part, but as I lack the ability to thread a cohesive narrative here, it will be in fragments…and only after I’ve had a chance to rest.

* though emceeing Psaturday’s Pseudo may have topped it…I don’t know.


This past Monday, the night Scott passed, we packed up everything in his room to be brought home with his mom. (Oddly enough, we had earlier in the day already started packing away the nonessentials, anticipating that he would be soon transferred to palliative care.) When I picked up my coat to depart, I noticed my iPod nano was not where I had left it, which was in my inner coat pocket. Since my earphones had fallen out earlier, I presumed my iPod fell out of the pocket as well and hunted around the room for it, with no success. Thinking that it might have made its way into one of the packed bags, Gail said she would keep an eye out for it when she unpacked.

Now, that particular pocket actually has a hole towards the top, into which things could fall into the inner shell of the coat. I had patted down the coat and didn’t feel any foreign objects. Nor was the iPod to be found at home (on the off chance that I didn’t actually bring it with me). Ready to write it off as a loss–after all, it’s just a thing and things can be replaced, the thought occurred to me that Scott might have… “borrowed” it for some music on the long walk that he had embarked upon. If he wanted it, he could have just asked me–and I would have made sure there was music on there that he’d actually like.

As we left the Fireside Grill tonight for a post-Pseudo meal, I reached into my pockets to pull out my gloves and felt something weird inside the coat. Feeling around, it was rectangular and very solid. After first thinking “what the hell is this?,” it came to me: it was my iPod. Immediately, I stuck my hand down that hole in the coat– and presto, the missing iPod. I yelled over to Mike R., who was familiar with the tale of the iPod-gone-missing: “Dude, do you know what I just found?” “NO WAY. Scott returned it to you!”

After sharing with Michael P. the joyous story of the reunion of a man and his gadget, we ultimately decided that Scott probably found the music on my iPod unacceptable.

me and scotty mcgee, pt. 1.

If memory serves, this is the first communication I ever sent Scott outside of the notesfiles.

Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 20:46:07 -0500 (CDT)
From: [ME]
X-Sender: [ME]
Subject: ISO advice/words of wisdom
Message-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.980720203638.8379F-100000@pepsi>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status:  O

Hi, Scott. We've never personally met except on notesfiles, but I wanted
to ask you if you'd be willing to give me your impressions on living in
New York, seeing as how I'll be moving out there in a month. I gathered
from your ph that you live out in Queens; what's it like? I haven't
explored much of New York beyond Manhattan below 57th and The Bronx,
around Fordham. I'm thinking of getting an apartment after my freshman
year, and I'm wondering where's a good place to look--Manhattan is most
likely out of my price range, even with a roommate.

I'm just trying to get a feel for the place before The Big Move. Any
comments/advice/etc. would be helpful. Oh, and if you're wondering, I'll
be located on Third Ave. and 9th, in the Village.