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Category Archives: Musings

first day in

Monday, August 1, 2011

I’ve made the 100-mile trek to Chicago so often to visit my parents and old friends that this doesn’t feel like a move…only a really, really long weekend trip.

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not quite nyc traffic, no.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

During the fifteen minutes it took to make it through the Fullerton Ave. exit on Lake Shore Drive, I figured at least it wasn’t as bad as trying to make it through one of the Hudson crossings during rush hour.

Passing a carload of girls in a left lane immobilized by a few people ahead turning into the zoo parking lot (who knew that so many people were trying to go to the zoo?), one of whom was, I assume, desperately trying to get the attention of anyone in the right lane to let them in so they could get out, I thought to myself she’d do better by rolling down the window and sticking out her arm while the driver simultaneously merged right.

The trip down memory lane was complete when a brash cab driver used the flimsiest excuse of space in front of me to nose in, prompting a protest by horn sadly weakened by years of suburban driving.

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grade me…evaluate and rank me…

Thursday, June 24, 2010

In the days following clicking “Submit” on my primary med school application, that initial sense of accomplishment has been increasingly replaced by a sense of dread, realizing that, by having done so, I am subjecting myself to critique and judgment orders of magnitude beyond the yearly employee performance review. I suspect this may not be so bad for the more typical med school applicant, who hasn’t had time enough to develop not only a significant body of experience but a sense of…well, I guess it’s entitlement. Not so much the “I’ve had everything spoon-fed to me and I expect it to continue” unjustified sense so much as the “I’ve paid my dues and then some–to reject me is an injustice” unjustified sense of entitlement. But, in line with not self-identifying with the “entitlement generation,” any feelings of indignation I might feel are subsumed by worry–worry that I didn’t market myself well enough on my application, that I might be judged unqualified or unprepared; and then where would that leave me? (“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m gonna build my own med school. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact…forget the school.”)

Humility. I should keep that in mind.

And there’s so much waiting. Waiting for my transcripts to be verified, waiting for secondaries, waiting for interviews… one foot is moving towards the future, but the other foot has to stay in the present and take care of present responsibilities, despite all desire to continue moving forward, making the wait more intolerable. Oh, and the uncertainty. None of what I’ve done so far is guaranteed to result in the outcome I want. (Amusing thought: does the uncertainty principle imply that if I knew that I made it into med school, I would have no idea what I did to get there?)

Maybe I need an actual vacation…especially before the secondary applications start to kick my ass.

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there but for the grace of god

Friday, April 9, 2010

The unique perspective that being an alum provides for serving on the admissions review committee cuts both ways. The first-hand experience is an asset, as it allows for a particular insight on the type of student who would thrive in this setting. However, it’s also a burden once you realize that same privilege you were afforded could have just as easily been denied, and presumably, since you’re serving on the committee, you know what a Big Frakking Deal that would have been. When I think about that–and not only that, but that this had to happen for Every Single Person There–when, try as I might to avoid it, my mind attempts to ponder a life not having become friends with these Wonderful People… I can’t.

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what’s in a name, and in a similar vein.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

At tonight’s FAST orientation, I did something I haven’t done in awhile: introduce myself as “Tony.”* It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment choice occurring while filling out a stick-on name badge; a question not normally asked but nonetheless answered, in the blink of an eye; an action ostensibly with no consequence, though, in retrospect, laden with symbolism. It was a small gesture that signifies, I think, by its nature, a new beginning; the anticipation of not just a new decade but a new path in life; and at the same time, harking back to a distant former existence, a return to what was.

Oh, and the orientation was rather inspiring. I am now booked for something like 25 hours of training and at least as much of actual service–and wishing I had found this team sooner.

* * *

The name of a blog that Saralyn, a fellow Northwestern SCS pre-med survivor, is rebooting, “Med School Maybe,” reminds me that this whole becoming-a-doctor thing isn’t written in stone…being accepted to a med school somewhere isn’t guaranteed at all, and there is a ton of crap yet to be done just to get my application ready. Hell, when was the last time I actually applied for anything? Must have been my job interview…six years ago. It’s vaguely reminiscent of the panic and worry over college apps. With grad school apps, or even the job interview with GE, there was less of a concern since I had fallback plans, so you’d think that should be the case here, but I’m really waiting for the other shoe to drop. Med school admissions committees: I should think that going through the hell of applying to med school when I’ve got a reasonably secure** job that allows me to contribute something to society shows some level of commitment.

* Ever since I graduated from high school, I would always first introduce myself as “Anthony,” answering “either is fine” if then asked if I preferred “Anthony” or “Tony.” During high school, though, it was pretty much “Tony.” And if I met someone through a high school friend, or if someone were associated with my high school, I would introduce myself as “Tony.” Come to think of it, it might have been a mixed bag during college.

** No doubt that, by stating that, I’ve now jinxed it.

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study-ousness progris riport

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Before the start of this quarter, I said to myself that I was going to be better about studying, especially for organic chemistry. As I waste time on the night before class, time that should be spent doing study problems from the chapter but instead I am spending pounding out this blog post…I can say that, so far, I’m failing miserably: I opened my chem textbook and, after skimming through some scintillating reading about the reactions of alcohols, I decided to do something else.

I can maybe claim some small amount of success, first having actually opened the textbook, and second not running towards the TV after abandoning hope of school-related progress. Maybe.

My working theory at the moment is that my apartment is not at all conducive to doing homework. Unfortunately, I don’t have any good solutions to this particular problem…

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I wonder how an electron feels.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

It’s been a busy couple of weeks lately, buy I did want to take a moment to log the brief observation that living a sort of “dual” existence–in occupation and home–makes you feel as if you have neither. The level of disconnect is incredible. And it extends to identity, too: a dual identity implies, somewhat confusingly, that you have none in reality.

At some point, maybe sooner rather than later, I’ll have to make a clean break from one of the existences and focus on only one, if only for sanity’s sake.

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Seems to be a theme this year

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

It’s turning out to be a reunion-y kind of year: my 10-year high school reunion; a housewarming with long-lost grade school friends; a message received out of the blue from a one-time close friend-turned-faded memories; a house party that could have doubled as yet another high school alumni reunion; and an upcoming trip to see college friends and reconnect with the city that still holds prisoner my heart and my imagination. I’ve tripped down memory lane too many times to count.

The lesson I’m learning, it seems, is that no matter how much time passes, for better or for worse, some memories are still as potent as they were when first formed. And goodbyes never get any easier.

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It’s all coming back to me now.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Some bad habits don’t die, even when it’s been years since you’ve practiced them–like procrastinating on homework to the point where you try to pull an all-nighter to get it done…they’re not as fun when you’re doing them by yourself.

“We could be / Sitting in the computer lab / 4 AM before the final paper is due / Cursing the world ’cause I didn’t start sooner / And seeing the rest of the class there too…” –”I Wish I Could Go Back to College,” from Avenue Q

Also, where’s my iPhone, AT&T / Apple? Direct fulfillment, my ass… *twiddle*

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And so, the journey begins.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

As I begin to execute parts of my exit strategy from my current job (engineer) to points unknown (med school), I thought I might start to chronicle on this site my journey out of the desert.

It all started with an informational session at Northwestern University for their pre-medicine professional development program–well, to be really honest I guess it started back when I was still applying for the job I have right now. I was pretty up-front then when I said I intended to stay only for a couple of years before transitioning to med school. Now…it’s been five years (six since graduating) and I figure I’ve put in my time (woot–three weeks of vacation!) and can move on now. Only problem is those pesky prerequisite courses I need to get into med school, and the question of whether my undergraduate credits still apply. (Do I really need to take physics all over again? I aced it back in college, and I’ll do fine it if I have to take it again… but that would be such a waste of time and money.) So I figured the program at Northwestern was the best option as it is structured and offers guidance for a career-changer like me.

Knowing that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel (for this stage of my life, at least) and seeing that light have an effect on one’s outlook in life. Admittedly, I’ve gotten myself into a comfortable rut, but I could definitely do without corporate politics and the general malaise that accompanies life in an office. Were the years I’ve spent working a waste? I don’t think so. I think I’ve grown and matured a lot since I started and has given me a bit of perspective. But I can’t help but think… when I finish my prerequisites, I’ll be close to 30, then in my mid-30s when I finish med school… a part of me thinks that that seems so… old. (I know it’s not necessarily old, but still.) Shouldn’t I be settling down and raising a family by then? It’s trains of thought like that that give me pause as to whether I should be doing this at all, but deep down I am confident this is for the best.

So, here I am today, in the middle of taking a biology course at Northwestern (I’m a student again! Haha. STUDENT DISCOUNTS, BITCHES.) and trying to juggle work at the same time. Challenging? Definitely. The long commute from WI makes things interesting (and makes me question whether I shouldn’t just quit my job right now and move to Chicago) and is a strain on my wallet, to be sure. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to pull this off without too much financial hurt.

If nothing else, the trips to Evanston have infused a part of my weekly routine with the environmental stimulation you can only get in a big metropolitan area. And it’s made me remember how much I miss living in a big city.

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