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choices

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

(18/365)

So far, I’ve been trying not to shoot too many photographs so as to avoid having to choose one that gets the “official shot of the day” title; but I couldn’t avoid it for today’s post. Between a photograph with more meaning and a photograph with more visual appeal, I chose the one with more meaning.

The sticker appeared on that pole in the last week or two. I was struck by its economy of message–a black-and-white print of a nondescript, if somewhat creepy, face paired with a simple statement that people who encounter it are free to interpret as they wish. (Geez, doesn’t that sound like I’m reading too much into it.) There’s little question that I wouldn’t have paid it much attention were it not for my own struggles with goals: not so much that I lack them, but rather that I’m hard-pressed to make any progress towards achieving them. The situation is such that there is but one logical path I can follow–only one choice to make–and it may or may not lead where I want. The reasons for this could occupy their own blog entry, but I will, in the interests of time and discretion, leave them unwritten.

One foot in front of the other, I suppose.

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red cross training, part one.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

(15/365)

Completing my first in a series of FAST training workshops yesterday, this one on trauma emergencies, it seems to me that this is not unlike what med school will be like: there’s a lot of information being launched furiously at you in a short amount of time and you’re expected to pick it up just as fast, but none of it will actually start to make sense or be internalized until you actually start on the job. It’s certainly not unique to medicine, but the experience is something I haven’t needed to go through in well over six years.

What I suspect isn’t quite like med school is the diversity of backgrounds of everyone who’s volunteering. There are medical professionals, sure, but there are quite a few self-proclaimed non-medical professionals–IT professionals/computer geeks–participating as well. Given my own motivations, it’s unsurprising. From my conversations with them so far, the running theme is that they aren’t completely fulfilled or otherwise satisfied by their jobs, usually because of the sedentary aspect of the job and because there’s little sense of having made a difference. And so it is that they came to volunteer for the Red Cross.

Beyond the full-time job holders are the students, some pre-meds, some of whom are switching into medicine after having studied something completely unrelated in their undergrad careers. I met two fine arts post-baccs who are slogging through pre-med classes, and of course I had to ask if they had already hit organic chemistry  (isn’t that the bane of every pre-med’s existence?), but they couldn’t relate to that particular misery yet. We talked shop more than anything else–classes, MCATs, applying to med schools–but I would have liked to have found out more about why they’re changing course in life. It’s always interesting to me to hear the reasons why people decide to pursue a career in medicine; plus, it gives me a chance to continue hashing out for myself my own reasons for what I’m doing.

All in all, it was a good session, learning a lot and interacting with a variety of people. There were definitely some insecurities to work through, though. It’ll fade as I get into the swing of things, no doubt; I just wish I didn’t have to wait until the next workshop in April.

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why yes, they are coming back to me.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

(12/365)

I was aiming for wit in today’s 365 post description, but all humor aside, the fortune (which was from yesterday’s lunch) is remarkably accurate. At least, I hope it is.

On a related topic, catching up on life has meant that Project Write Letters has stalled a bit. “This train is being delayed due to a train in front of us. We should be moving shortly. Thank you for riding New York City Transit.”

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an explanation may or may not be forthcoming.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

(10/365)

It’s difficult to provide an executive summary of why I’m doing this 365 project. An adequate answer to a question like  “why are you bringing your camera to lunch?,” requires more than just a few words and, at least in this case, isn’t unlike providing an honest answer when someone asks you how you’re doing: depending on the situation, he or she probably isn’t looking to hear your life’s story.

I guess that the need to even explain myself feels foreign. At least as of late, I’ve been so used to having my camera everywhere I go–and having it just being understood why I have it–that it seemed that everyone I know either a) knows specifically of this undertaking or b) knows, generally, that photography is serious to me. In retrospect, that probably only holds true for a subset of my friends, so I shouldn’t hold it against anyone if I’m asked why I have a camera with me.

Nonetheless, I reserve the right to be less than forthcoming if it feels like it’s just going to be an exercise in justification.

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everybody has to be someplace

Monday, March 1, 2010

(9/365)

On an expedition through the old neighborhood after Mass with Mom and Dad, I tried to resist going into Unabridged Bookstore, thinking of the books on my shelves that have sat, neglected; but I failed, driven perhaps by nostalgia for days past in New York spent browsing the many miles of books at The Strand.

Inside, the simple cover of No One Belongs Here More Than You beckoned me closer, testified to by a staff member’s positive, handwritten review posted on the shelf. The title, too, held a promise all its own, hinting that within its pages might be found a resolution to, or at least some brief sanctuary from, my own unshakable feeling of I Belong Somewhere Else: when I lived in New York; I belonged in Chicago; in Pittsburgh, I belonged in New York; and now, in Wisconsin, I belong… anywhere else.

Six years is a long time to be someplace you don’t belong. But–and I’m reminded of a performance of one-acts I did in college–everybody has to be someplace.

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how’s that working out for you

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

(3/365)

I can see now that finding interesting subject matter during the week is going to be problematic (see today’s post). It’s not that I work ridiculous hours (though it would be easier if picture-taking at work weren’t A Very Bad Idea), but that when I’m off work, I really don’t have much in the way of free time. There are any number of items on my to-do list that were generated from The Events of January (i.e. Scott’s passing), and an even larger number of items that were put on hold because of said Events, that I really shouldn’t even have the time to do things like this project. Struggling to streamline this workflow, between posting on my website, Flickr, Facebook, and Twitter, eats up what little time I’m scavenging from the other things I should be doing (hello, preparing for med school applications?). Posterous doesn’t offer me the control I’m looking for, so I’m right now stuck posting everywhere by hand.

I’m hoping that once I’ve done this for a few more days, the process will be more natural–and I’ll have better subject matter than a mediocre shot of my computer desk.

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29:2/365

Monday, February 22, 2010

(2/365)

Tempted by a smoldering vat of chili at St. Joseph’s cafeteria following Mass, I had to remind Dad that he only need wait three hours for a succulent steak dinner at Fleming’s with Mom and me.

Given that it was 4pm on a Sunday, the restaurant was not busy, giving us the chance to be seated overlooking their large windows facing the Medinah Temple.

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29:1/365 (inaugural post).

Sunday, February 21, 2010

(1/365)

A certain milepost of my life having been reached, I have kicked off my Project 365 [local | flickr | facebook], in which I hope to, as a side effect of the actual goal of the project, make the most of my last days as a twentysomething. Though the project itself is rooted in the present, some days’ images will be more introspective, springboards for reflecting on where I’ve been, how far I’ve come, or how far I have yet to go.

I invite you to join me in finding out where this project takes me.

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what’s in a name, and in a similar vein.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

At tonight’s FAST orientation, I did something I haven’t done in awhile: introduce myself as “Tony.”* It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment choice occurring while filling out a stick-on name badge; a question not normally asked but nonetheless answered, in the blink of an eye; an action ostensibly with no consequence, though, in retrospect, laden with symbolism. It was a small gesture that signifies, I think, by its nature, a new beginning; the anticipation of not just a new decade but a new path in life; and at the same time, harking back to a distant former existence, a return to what was.

Oh, and the orientation was rather inspiring. I am now booked for something like 25 hours of training and at least as much of actual service–and wishing I had found this team sooner.

* * *

The name of a blog that Saralyn, a fellow Northwestern SCS pre-med survivor, is rebooting, “Med School Maybe,” reminds me that this whole becoming-a-doctor thing isn’t written in stone…being accepted to a med school somewhere isn’t guaranteed at all, and there is a ton of crap yet to be done just to get my application ready. Hell, when was the last time I actually applied for anything? Must have been my job interview…six years ago. It’s vaguely reminiscent of the panic and worry over college apps. With grad school apps, or even the job interview with GE, there was less of a concern since I had fallback plans, so you’d think that should be the case here, but I’m really waiting for the other shoe to drop. Med school admissions committees: I should think that going through the hell of applying to med school when I’ve got a reasonably secure** job that allows me to contribute something to society shows some level of commitment.

* Ever since I graduated from high school, I would always first introduce myself as “Anthony,” answering “either is fine” if then asked if I preferred “Anthony” or “Tony.” During high school, though, it was pretty much “Tony.” And if I met someone through a high school friend, or if someone were associated with my high school, I would introduce myself as “Tony.” Come to think of it, it might have been a mixed bag during college.

** No doubt that, by stating that, I’ve now jinxed it.

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the past is present

Monday, February 1, 2010

So, I brought about 300+ linkrot-filled posts from 2004 and points beyond (there is nothing from about mid-2004 to 2007) out of draft status, because a) a bit of Scott is there, from sort of the heyday of our blogging days, b) it’s useless to hide that bit of history, and c) they are an integral part of the picture of Scott and me that I’m trying to form.

And, maybe for some people, it might be amusing to see what the hell I wrote about back then.

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